Knowing or not

My marriage is an absolute state of turmoil. My life feels like complete utter shit and despite all the pain that surrounds it all I don't know.

I do not know if I want to save my marriage. I don't know if there is anything worth saving.

We have been separated for 4 months physically separated. I have not seen the man I am legally married to in 4 months! With that I think the answer is impossible.

A couple of day he called me to say "if he did not give our marriage one last shot he would not be able to sleep at night in good conscience." Well that's all fine and dandy but the condition is that it happens at the end of the school year as to not move the child again.

I feel like it's an ultimatimum, I feel like it's the only choice and if I don't agree the marriage is over anyway.

What control do I have ?Is there any control for me. I'm am trying to regain the control in my life and it seems almost impossible. Then at the same time maybe I don't want the marriage maybe I want the convenience of not having to start over.

I am wearing my wedding ring. I feel it's over and maybe that is the reality. Maybe it's time to lay things to rest.

Is this my obsession playing in my head not letting me rest. I'm clearer in my thoughts as my medications are at a therapeutic dosage now. Maybe that's why I am asking the questions.

The Mr. Doesn't want me back in our old city, but back in a new city to start a new city, which might not happen it all depends on his job. It's really a few too many variables for me.

There is no crystal ball. Neither of us is saying I love yous, nor I miss you. Right now I feel as though his decision is formed in guilt. A marriage of 7 years with 2 children deserves a last shot he says, is this guilt or desire?

I question whether he is having a bachelor-hood again. I would never be the wiser, does he fear friends and family will leak a truth of what really took place?

If one is truly wanting to work on their marriage would they be mixing other people in it? I'm not sure, I know I'm not. Yet at the same time I have no proof it's happening, and I never will.

I can't control him, he will do what he wants. There are things I need to know before I can make a decision.

Right now I do not know.

Test...test?

I've thought about blogging for the cathartic reasons, but part of me just wants to write it all out, and maybe someone might find it helpful.

As my illness has stolen me, my family is in shambles and I am seeking solace in other words its good to feel like you belong. Somehow I am finding myself reading PPD blogs, blogs I should have read when I began my suffering, but I didn't. Who knew this world even existed?

When I think about my sons first year of life, I dont remember it. I only remember from pictures, I remember my first bout of psychosis, I remember calling my husband and asking him to take me to the hospital. I remember that, but I don't remember my son.

He is almost 5, and I've spent his life fighting to be sane.

For me PPD was just the beginning of my fight for mental health, from suicidal ideation, to attempts, to ambulance rides and hospitalizations. Now I am a single mother, fighting for my marriage, because the one man that has saved my life can not do it anymore.

Its all about perseverance, self ;perseverance for him. As I sit here trying to figure out who I really am. But god damn do I miss him.