Wednesday, 5 December 2012

My therapist

So I've had a new therapist for about a month, maybe a bit list.

That is written past tense. During our last session she informed me that there were some major issues I needed to work out, before she could continue working with me.

Fuck you, isn't your job a a therapist to work with me and help me? Not to tell me to work my shit out then get back to her.

Maybe this is what it means when they say therapists need to be a good fit. I am beyond confused right now, but really I'm just pissed off about it more so than anything else.

Yup, I just can not fathom how all of a sudden you look at your client and say I can't help you. I've looked at it from a lot of different view points, I've reframed it... And the only reframing I can think is to get me some coping skills to conquer the situation I'm in. That makes sense!

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Mind dump.

Some days I feel like the lamictal is working. I was up this morning now I have this weird feeling.

I just need to get away from my life.

That would probably work. I need to recharge my batteries oh my mind.this Christmas assault of happiness I think is what sets me off. Christmas is anything but a time of happiness for me, especially this year.

There is always something exceptionally fucked up every god damn year. This year will probably my take the cake, the monsters won't be with me. My mother has driven me to the point of insanity that if I do in fact manage to make it work with the husband I may never speak to her again.

Saying that it could be the illness talking, but really I'm not sure if I can exist in such a toxic relationship anymore. She triggers me, and I whole heartedly believe she suffers with a similar illness but refuses help. That pains me, I feel like if she would face the reality we could have a relationship. This is a woman that denies my illness, denies the way I was treated as a child... It was all in my head, everyone makes up stories.

Soooo much DBT homework that I must complete but I can't. I don't want to face it. Core beliefs is fucking dirty beast that doesn't want to let go. It's like a it's possessed me, it's really the only way to say it. In the basic list of core beliefs most of mine are terribly high scores, which is too say "you are fucked" FUBAR style!

I am not Bipolar, I have Bipolar! And fuck it, I will NOT let it control me. I will take control of my life, not the husband, not my roles as a mother, not my family, or my medical team... ME

What a cluster fuck and a half my life is....

Taking the ring off, to having him say lets try and me saying I need to figure my shit out and now back to 7 years of marriage does deserve more.

Part of me feels like we met too young, got married to young and we've just grown apart.

When we met he was in the Navy, I always have had a sense of calmness around water. We were enamored with each other right from the beginning. He told me from the moment he met me he knew he wanted to spend his life with me. He didn't tell me this until after he proposed to me.

Maybe I just can't let go of the familiarity of him. I'm worried.

Tired of this crazy up and down spinning upside down roller coaster .

This is who I am, the worlds most indecisive person.

I am taking it back, decision and groundedness I know that's not a word but it is too me.

Beating my illness means a family. So fuck you bipolar, fuck you childhood. I can do this.

Wow the emotions are all over the place!

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Knowing or not

My marriage is an absolute state of turmoil. My life feels like complete utter shit and despite all the pain that surrounds it all I don't know.

I do not know if I want to save my marriage. I don't know if there is anything worth saving.

We have been separated for 4 months physically separated. I have not seen the man I am legally married to in 4 months! With that I think the answer is impossible.

A couple of day he called me to say "if he did not give our marriage one last shot he would not be able to sleep at night in good conscience." Well that's all fine and dandy but the condition is that it happens at the end of the school year as to not move the child again.

I feel like it's an ultimatimum, I feel like it's the only choice and if I don't agree the marriage is over anyway.

What control do I have ?Is there any control for me. I'm am trying to regain the control in my life and it seems almost impossible. Then at the same time maybe I don't want the marriage maybe I want the convenience of not having to start over.

I am wearing my wedding ring. I feel it's over and maybe that is the reality. Maybe it's time to lay things to rest.

Is this my obsession playing in my head not letting me rest. I'm clearer in my thoughts as my medications are at a therapeutic dosage now. Maybe that's why I am asking the questions.

The Mr. Doesn't want me back in our old city, but back in a new city to start a new city, which might not happen it all depends on his job. It's really a few too many variables for me.

There is no crystal ball. Neither of us is saying I love yous, nor I miss you. Right now I feel as though his decision is formed in guilt. A marriage of 7 years with 2 children deserves a last shot he says, is this guilt or desire?

I question whether he is having a bachelor-hood again. I would never be the wiser, does he fear friends and family will leak a truth of what really took place?

If one is truly wanting to work on their marriage would they be mixing other people in it? I'm not sure, I know I'm not. Yet at the same time I have no proof it's happening, and I never will.

I can't control him, he will do what he wants. There are things I need to know before I can make a decision.

Right now I do not know.

Sunday, 25 November 2012


It's not always about blame even though you always believed it was.

It's resentment.

When you have one job, one purpose and you fail... I do not blame you for turning a blind eye to the hurt I suffered or just being ignorant. No I do not blame you.

I resent you! I resent that you never saw the pain and sorrow in my eyes.

I don't blame you, because I realize that you also had your own fucked up demons to battle with.

The difference here is, I am dealing with mine.

My children will not blame me, or resent me. My job is to protect them, and I will.

My children will thrive not just survive their childhood.

Monday, 19 November 2012

Trusting my own thoughts

Sometimes nothing really makes sense, I keep trying to calm the self talk in my head.

It's not working, I try saying this isn't me it's the illness talking.

It's still not working.

All because of said action my anxiety is through the roof and I know it's to do with my marriage or lack there of.

Trust your instincts? What if they can't be trusted?

Can my bipolar instincts be trusted... I wonder. I'm not sure they can be.

Saturday, 13 October 2012


I've thought about blogging for the cathartic reasons, but part of me just wants to write it all out, and maybe someone might find it helpful.

As my illness has stolen me, my family is in shambles and I am seeking solace in other words its good to feel like you belong. Somehow I am finding myself reading PPD blogs, blogs I should have read when I began my suffering, but I didn't. Who knew this world even existed?

When I think about my sons first year of life, I dont remember it. I only remember from pictures, I remember my first bout of psychosis, I remember calling my husband and asking him to take me to the hospital. I remember that, but I don't remember my son.

He is almost 5, and I've spent his life fighting to be sane.

For me PPD was just the beginning of my fight for mental health, from suicidal ideation, to attempts, to ambulance rides and hospitalizations. Now I am a single mother, fighting for my marriage, because the one man that has saved my life can not do it anymore.

Its all about perseverance, self ;perseverance for him. As I sit here trying to figure out who I really am. But god damn do I miss him.