Thursday, 29 November 2012

Mind dump.

Some days I feel like the lamictal is working. I was up this morning now I have this weird feeling.

I just need to get away from my life.

That would probably work. I need to recharge my batteries oh my mind.this Christmas assault of happiness I think is what sets me off. Christmas is anything but a time of happiness for me, especially this year.

There is always something exceptionally fucked up every god damn year. This year will probably my take the cake, the monsters won't be with me. My mother has driven me to the point of insanity that if I do in fact manage to make it work with the husband I may never speak to her again.

Saying that it could be the illness talking, but really I'm not sure if I can exist in such a toxic relationship anymore. She triggers me, and I whole heartedly believe she suffers with a similar illness but refuses help. That pains me, I feel like if she would face the reality we could have a relationship. This is a woman that denies my illness, denies the way I was treated as a child... It was all in my head, everyone makes up stories.

Soooo much DBT homework that I must complete but I can't. I don't want to face it. Core beliefs is fucking dirty beast that doesn't want to let go. It's like a it's possessed me, it's really the only way to say it. In the basic list of core beliefs most of mine are terribly high scores, which is too say "you are fucked" FUBAR style!

I am not Bipolar, I have Bipolar! And fuck it, I will NOT let it control me. I will take control of my life, not the husband, not my roles as a mother, not my family, or my medical team... ME

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