Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Knowing or not

My marriage is an absolute state of turmoil. My life feels like complete utter shit and despite all the pain that surrounds it all I don't know.

I do not know if I want to save my marriage. I don't know if there is anything worth saving.

We have been separated for 4 months physically separated. I have not seen the man I am legally married to in 4 months! With that I think the answer is impossible.

A couple of day he called me to say "if he did not give our marriage one last shot he would not be able to sleep at night in good conscience." Well that's all fine and dandy but the condition is that it happens at the end of the school year as to not move the child again.

I feel like it's an ultimatimum, I feel like it's the only choice and if I don't agree the marriage is over anyway.

What control do I have ?Is there any control for me. I'm am trying to regain the control in my life and it seems almost impossible. Then at the same time maybe I don't want the marriage maybe I want the convenience of not having to start over.

I am wearing my wedding ring. I feel it's over and maybe that is the reality. Maybe it's time to lay things to rest.

Is this my obsession playing in my head not letting me rest. I'm clearer in my thoughts as my medications are at a therapeutic dosage now. Maybe that's why I am asking the questions.

The Mr. Doesn't want me back in our old city, but back in a new city to start a new city, which might not happen it all depends on his job. It's really a few too many variables for me.

There is no crystal ball. Neither of us is saying I love yous, nor I miss you. Right now I feel as though his decision is formed in guilt. A marriage of 7 years with 2 children deserves a last shot he says, is this guilt or desire?

I question whether he is having a bachelor-hood again. I would never be the wiser, does he fear friends and family will leak a truth of what really took place?

If one is truly wanting to work on their marriage would they be mixing other people in it? I'm not sure, I know I'm not. Yet at the same time I have no proof it's happening, and I never will.

I can't control him, he will do what he wants. There are things I need to know before I can make a decision.

Right now I do not know.

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